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  • Writer's pictureKiki Maree

J is for Jealousy

Updated: Apr 5, 2023


I feel like while jealousy is such a valid, humbling, insightful emotion, it can also be so misunderstood, misdirected and therefore destructive (domestic violence being just one example of this).

I know what you're probably thinking- how on earth could jealousy possibly be a positive emotion? Which is what I am so excited to talk about below. I feel that one of the biggest reasons that jealousy is so stigmatised is because it is so taboo! Almost no one wants to admit that they are jealous, therefore leaving the emotions to only exist in the shadows as an unprocessed, misunderstood and painful emotion, at times one of the most painful and destructive emotions of them all (hence the shame and stigma). I cannot tell you how many women I have worked with that have to me that they feel shame in their jealousy! Shame for just feeling a certain way, without even acting on it!

Yet jealousy is just as valid as any emotion, why else would it exist? It, like every other emotion has a purpose, and when we feel our emotions intentionally, we learn just what the purpose of our emotions are. Think about it, we give ourselves permission to feel our "happy" emotions, obviously because they feel good. Many of us understand that anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, grief or overwhelm are a part of life (with some people more than others able to allow some emotions more than others).

Yet jealousy? None of us want to own that.

To do so is like stating to the world:

"I'm flawed" "I'm insecure"

"I'm a controlling girlfriend/partner"

"I won't/don't trust you/my partner" "I'm too sensitive"

"I won't be fun to invite out/to parties/to meet friends"

"I won't be kind to this, that or the other person"

"I'm crazy"

And the list goes on.

Yet the stigma does not include statements like: "I am aware of when I deserve better" "I feel strong emotions that help me understand a situation, myself and/or others better"

"I am beautifully sensitive"

"I care"

"I know when someone is being dishonest"

"Monogamy can be confusing"

"My inner child is trying to protect me"

"My trust has been broken"

To understand why we experience jealousy, it is so important to first and foremost acknowledge its existence! This is the first step in transmuting the destructive shadow aspect of jealousy into constructive and enlightening aspects of jealousy. The next step is to observe the sensations felt in the body when jealousy arises. To get curious about the sensation of jealousy.

What do these sensations feel like?

What would they look like if you could see them?

What beliefs do you have around these sensations?

Are you able to breathe into the sensation and move them through the body?

Do these sensations change?

What story are you telling yourself about these sensations?

Is this story true? Like really true?

What would it fee like to create a new story?

What messages are behind these sensations?

What positive intentions are behind these emotions and sensations?

What other emotions brings these sensations?

What stories are connected to these emotions?

The sensations might feel prickling, tingling, nauseating. You may also feel these sensations with excitement, arousal or fear.

The story you may be telling yourself is that you are alone, or you will be, or that something is being taken from you, or that you have lost your power, or that you are inadequate, ugly or that you have been betrayed.

The story you could re-write for yourself is that even though you are feeling this way, you are safe, that you are loved, that no one is taking anything from you, that you have all that you need within you.

The message that you are being told could be that someone is mistreating you, or that you deserve more, or that you have some self-love work to do. Maybe this sensation is some insight into what is coming for you. Maybe it is your intuition telling you to take a closer look at who you are allowing into your life. It may be telling you that you need to communicate something, that your current arrangement no longer serves you and needs adjusting.

Once you get curious about your jealousy, you may find your mind opening beyond the normal reactionary thought pattern that it generally takes when jealousy arises. You may even begin to feel still, calm, centred ... maybe even elated.

However, due to the way many of us work, you may find yourself wanting to ignore this calmness, and instead dramatise the situation all the same. To have the same reactions regardless of this newfound approach. If so, this is totally natural. Making these kinds of changes in our reactionary behaviour can take a TON of time and effort.

Yet once we get there, it is sooo worth it.

Sending all my jealous babes out there all of my love. I have been there. I am on thge other side of it, and so want the same for you.

Kiki xx

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