Updated: Apr 5
Are you kinky?
Are we all?
What is kink anyway?
Before you answer that read on, as the answer may not be so obvious once you do so.
Considering the fact that kinkiness is indeed subjective, that we have a lack of conversation around the topic of kink, and that there is a common misunderstanding of kink equalling BDSM, kinkiness in my opinion, is not so easy to determine.
So let's dive a little deeper to create some clarity.
While BDSM is certainly an aspect of kink, kink is far broader than these elements, namely Bondage, Domination, Discipline, Submission, Sadism and Masochism.
Kink in fact refers to any sexual deviation from the “norm”, including but not limited to BDSM, along with elements such as role play, fetish, fantasy, partialism, paraphilias and the list goes on.
Kink is generally stigmatised due to its connection to BDSM, with BDSM being highly stigmatised. This stigmatization has come about from its history as being considered a pathology. Yes that's right, people who had enjoyed aspects of BDSM in the not so distant past were once pathologised for it, by white men in white coats. In fact, in the past people have even been arrested for being BDSM practitioners!
I have actually already written an entire research paper on BDSM, so I won't go any further into BDSM in this article. If you would like more information on BDSM and its benefits you can check out my research paper here.
The fact that we are an undereducated society on anything beyond... well... the sex- education that we received in school, and in porn, and our general fumbling throughout life, it is no wonder we have greatly misunderstood kink. We are barely equipped enough to have an understanding on the arousal response and anatomy of the female genitalia, let alone the many things that we can do with it!
It is no wonder then that kink has been so greatly misunderstood, and has therefore unfortunately brought about ample shame for many of our kinkster pals. Sexuality is all about our edges, with each and every person having a slightly different edge, at a different time, to the next- and if we aren't talking about these edges with one another, it makes sense to assume that we are alone in our sexual kinks.
Though this brings me to my final point on kink- who exactly are these kinkster pals I am referring to? What is kinky to one person, could be completely "vanilla" to the next! -vanilla being the term used for sex that does not deviate from the norm. I remember buying fluffy pink handcuffs at 15 years old, where the mere thought of this to say... a devout christian who has sex fully clothed could take them over the edge! Doggy-style may even do the same if this person had only ever had sex missionary!
I would love to be a part of a world where kink was obsolete, where in fact there was no norm to deviate from, but where sexual expression always took on the shape it felt to, moment by moment- as long as it was carried out in risk aware and consensual way. I could almost guarantee that we would all benefit from it.
I imagine we would be having much more open and honest communication around desire and boundaries (I see this in the kink community almost consistently). We would feel free to explore our sexuality beyond what we have been told is pleasurable (which for many can be boring or even painful). We would transmute any shame we may feel around our desires through understanding that we are not alone. We would have a lot of fun and adventure- something essential to the human spirit. We would experience much deeper connections due to our authentic expression of self through sex.
My message for those of you reading this article today, as long as what you are wanting to carry out in your sex is consensual, and you are aware of any risk involved, it is totally acceptable and NORMAL to deviate from the norm in sex.
If you would like to dive a little deeper into kink you can join this workshop Conscious Kink with Sara Silverstein and I as we share on the foundations of kink.
If you would like to dive much deeper into kink you can join Jesse Sohn (my beloved and I) in this Conscious Kink Program, taught over 4 weeks teaching on the many aspects of kink.
Much love to you all! Kiki xx