Updated: Apr 5
Monogamy is a sexual and/or emotional relationship that is commonly defined as "the practice of marrying, or state of being married to one person at a time" or "the practice or state of having a sexual relationship with only one partner".
Marriage and monogamy is the relationship status and style that has been essentially imposed upon modern western society, with its roots in property ownership rather than love, romance and commitment.
The relationship style that we have all been sold as what is best for everyone.
The expectation of engaging in a particular activity that you can never fuck up on. You can crash your car, fail an exam, but cheat? You are a horrible human.
Something that as a teen I found extremely difficult. If only I had known that there were more than one relationship types back then!
For those of you who have struggled with monogamy, this post may be the medicine that you soul needs.
Unbeknownst to many, there are more than just one healthy relationship type. Fortunately, just as with many aspects of life, we are in fact able to choose how we wish to relate romantically.
In reality, the only rules or agreements that a relationship/s should have, are the rules or agreements that those people in the relationship/s create themselves, rules and agreements that make all parties involved feel supported, loved and safe.
And as we are all unique individuals, with differing desires and needs, this is not going to look the same for everyone. It may also not look the same for the same people over time.
The beauty of relating consciously and from the heart (vs unconsciously, from the mind/ego, and the dysfunctional archaic model of "monogamy... til death do us part"), is that we can create the relationships that we desire.
Do not get me wrong, as with all relating styles, monogamy very much has its place! For some people, monogamy just works for them. It is what they truly desire and feel comfortable in.
And for others, monogamy may work with some people and not with others.
My journey with monogamy & relationship styles
For myself, monogamy has never worked.
I cheated on partners throughout my teens and early-mid twenties, and felt extreme guilt and shame over it (I will speak more on this and my infidelity fetish in an upcoming post).
It wasn't until I was in my late twenties and early thirties that I finally allowed myself the space to explore open relating and polyamory, and when Jesse I met Jesse I was very happily polyamorous, as were they.
However, as Jesse and I became closer, we re-evaluated our relationship style to suit us as individuals better, as polyamory was also not working for us perfectly.
The agreement we came to was that Jesse would like to be intimate with males, and that I would like to me intimate with females, and if we felt to be intimate with the same sex we would let each other know to see if each other could meet those needs.
This agreement is not set in stone forever, but rather a container we have created for ourselves to explore deeply with one another.
Who knows where it will go from here? Perhaps we will journey with monogamy? Perhaps we will open our relationship up to everyone? Maybe we will create sweet poly family?
What I do know is that it will be created with love, mutual respect, and honesty.
For more on my and Jesse's relationship container see this video.
To see a fun documentary on monogamy and it's origins see this visit here.
Much love to you all!