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  • Writer's pictureKiki Maree

H is for Healthy Relating: 80/20 Rule

Hey everyone! I want to share a little personal story about some healthy relating advice I needed to remind myself on!


Back in 2020, my partner Jesse and I stumbled into a trap that's all too common for couples – we were spending every waking moment together! It was a surprise to me, especially since I'm always advising my clients about maintaining a healthy balance in relationships.


Why We Overdid the Together Time

Like many of you, we were navigating the challenges of isolation. But add to that the excitement of a new relationship, and you have the perfect recipe for being inseparable. We were in that sweet, intoxicating phase where you just can't get enough of each other, aka Limerence.


Finding Our Balance Again

Gradually, we started to rediscover our individual passions – the things that made us 'us' before we became 'us'. And guess what? We decided to try the 80/20 rule in our own relationship. This wasn't just about reducing our time together; it was about enriching it.


What's the 80/20 Rule?

So, what exactly is this rule? It's not about meticulously counting hours, but rather about a general principle. Spend 20% of your time together on shared activities, and 80% on personal stuff like work, hobbies, friends, and self-care. For us, it was a game-changer for keeping things fresh and exciting.


Personal Experiences with the 80/20 Rule

Take a look at the cover photo of this blog. That's us in our 100% together phase. I used to tag along with Jesse for slack-lining sessions – they love it, and I loved being there. But over time, I realized it wasn't really my cup of tea. I noticed a bit of resistance and even tiredness creeping in (I'm yawning right now, just thinking about it!).


It hit me then – slack-lining was Jesse's thing. And that's totally fine! I still join in occasionally because it lights them up, and that brings me joy. But I've also found that I love using that time for my own interests.


And it goes both ways... I had in the begining of our relationship convinced Jesse to join my dance classes, and they were such a good sport about it, but choreo dancing just wasn't their thing. When we shifted to the 80/20 approach, I started going solo, and guess what? I made some amazing friends along the way!


Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Transitioning to the 80/20 lifestyle doesn't happen overnight. It's about finding that sweet spot where both partners feel fulfilled individually and as a couple.


The takeaway here is simple yet profound: embracing the 80/20 rule can genuinely transform your relationship. It keeps things lively, gives you both space to grow, and brings a whole new level of appreciation for the time you spend together.


And it is something that is constantly needing to be revisited, especially if you are like Jesse and I and still can't get enough of each other 4 years into the relationship, and as we generally need to do with most agreements and habits when we are in relationship with another person.


With that all being said, 80/20 is a rough guide, you may find that your ratio is a little, or a lot, different to ours. The beauty about designing our relationships is that we have the freedom to explore what works best for us! The 80/20 might just act as a guide or inspiration to bring a little more awareness into your own ratio :)



May a balanced relationship be with you all!

With love, Kiki xx



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