For the ease and flow of writing this article I will be referring to those born with a vulva as females, and the sexuality that works best for females as "female sexuality". I will also be referring to those born with a penis as males and the sexuality that best works for them as male sexuality. Though I do recognise that sex and gender are not binary.
Female sexuality looks and feels very different for male sexuality. However, we are not often taught this and we are instead creating sexual acts that adhere to the physical needs of male bodied individuals. This is largely due to a lack in education on female sexuality as a result of a society that largely puts the needs of male bodied people first.
Female bodied people are slow burners- we need time to fully engorge, just as the penis does, though it does so much faster than that of it homologous sister, the clitoral complex! What does that mean I hear some of you ask? The penis and the clitoral complex are homologous structures, meaning that they are made up of the same tissue! This means that the clitoral complex has just as much erectile tissue as a penis! However it is much more internal than a penis.
Sure females can orgasm without becoming engorged, and it can feel good, however it is oftentimes far more pleasurable when we are properly engorged, especially in penetrative sex- as we are expanding our pleasure potential with our expanding genitalia.
Female bodied people can often experience dissatisfaction in their sexuality due to a=n approach that works for male sexuality, approach to sexuality with things such as direct stimulation of the vulva before any other kinds of touch, inadequate foreplay, rushing, a linear approach to sex, orgasm and penetration-focused sex.
We can also experience dissatisfaction due to an inability to voice what we want, an unknowing of what we want, diet, hormones, our own personal constitution (a naturally occurring low base-line for our libido), past traumas, change in and/or confusion over our sexuality, pregnancy, asexuality, body image, and menopause.
Additionally, for female bodied people, the first thing to turn off when we are stressed is our libido. There is an evolutionary purpose for this being that a female bodied person should feel safe when conceiving for optimal survival chances of the young. Because success of procreation requires 9 months of pregnancy along with years of dependancy the body will not allow the libido to take the front seat when we are stressed, as the body does not know the difference between too any bills and a saber-toothed tiger. Males are not generally as easily affected as for them, procreated only requires to ejaculate, so for many men, ejaculation is easy and preferred when feeling stressed (though not all).
Considering we are all operating far more from our sympathetic nervous system there is no wonder that sexuality is not at the forefront of our minds. However, when we first enter into a relationship it is more likely for us to access our libido, as we are oftentimes filled with love chemicals which act like a drug and greatly reduce stress. So, if you have always wondered, "why am I always so up for it at the beginning of a relationship?" - this is exactly why.
With all of this being said, there are some empowering ways to support female sexuality, such as going slow, communicating our needs, living cyclically, resting, and incorporating more general pleasure in our life to reduce our stress. I will be going deeper into this throughout the magazine, so stay tuned.
With love
Kiki Maree xx